ADA #8

Welcome one and all to the first edition of ADA: An International Affair.

Shamelessly ripping off an idea from Fox television, we are asking our resident expert on foreign affairs, Celian Varini, to help answer your questions. When we say “foreign affairs” we don’t mean anything political, Celian is just a Frenchman who enjoys sleeping with married women. Anyhoo, Celian resides in France, yes that France and wants the world to know that not every person in that country sucks, contrary to popular opinion. Celian has volunteered to answer some of your questions because Derek’s usually too busy banging dirtsheet rats interning at the lavish GumGod offices.

Take it away Cel-

Q: Dear Derek, Is the theory of: [A Person's Worth = (Years Alive)($10,000)] true or is it just there to make those worth very little feel good???

Thanks, Jim Grinias

ADA: Dear Jimmy G.,

Back in 1995, Jacques Chirac was elected for a 7 year term to the Presidency of the French Republic (ie : France). Little before that, the late Lolo Ferrari (Eve Valois) tried to cruise on her celebrity as France most recognized big breasted porn Superstar, and embarked on a quest to be elected the 1st "enhanced" President of my country. She reportedly spent 2 million Francs (approx. $360.000) to get to her optimum size (a 71'' chest). Unfortunately her succulent chest only garnered her .01% of the votes.

The night of the election she was enraged and became the 1st person on French TV to show her breasts during a political show and said "Ces nichons m'ont coute 2 millions de francs et valent peau de balle". Which loosely translated in French is "These tits cost me $360.000 but they ain't worth shit". I recently consulted my good friend Madame Irma, and she actually told me that BJ Bethel would only live to be 36 before being killed by a reader sick of his inane wrestling "commentary".

Considering your equation, BJs' worth = 36*10.000

Since Lolo's word is considered as gospel in France, for my people your equation would be correct. :

BJ' Worth is $360.000. According to Lolo $360.000 ain't worth shit.

So to answer your question, you are completely correct.

Q: Dear Derek I have a dilemma. I currently have a totally shit job in market research the only upside to it is that I have occasionally managed to bang a bored housewife. I have been offered a better job which will pay me better money so that I will be able to drink at the weekends. In this new job I will not be able to have sex with MILFs. Should I take the new job or stick with the old one?

- Robert Bradford

ADA: Dear Bobby B.,

Sounds pretty easy to me. Take the new job ! More money means more booze, which means your taste for women will be much more open. You will have drunken sex with a bunch of people, and in the batch there will probably be a couple of MILFs. In your drunken haze, you will also probably get together with a few DILFs (Dads I'd ...), but you'll be too drunk to remember. You will be fired after a couple of months for your conduct on the job and will have to get back to your old job, which means you will go back to boinking the first MILF. And in the meantime you will have made a bundle in your severance package !

Q: I know I am gonna feel like the biggest jackass in the world for not knowing this and considering myself a sports fan, but what exactly is the "Curse of the Bambino". I know it has something to do with Babe Ruth being traded by Boston to New York for basically nothing and it comes back to bite them in the ass, but why is it that every time a Boston team sucks that they can't come right out and say it, but it has to be "The Curse of the Bambino". Is it just a scapegoat? What's the whole deal? Thanks a bunch.

-Robert Buruato

Dear Bobby B. #2,

Actually the correct term is "El Curso Del Bambino Rutho".

Contrarily to popular belief, it has nothing to do with baseball. The expression first appeared on the set of "The Goonies" in late 1984. Jeff Cohen (Chunk) and John Matuszak (Sloth) were filming their famous "Baby Ruth" scene, where Sloth breaks out of his shackles to get to a Baby Ruth candy bar. It was late at night, and it was a very difficult scene to film. Dick Donner who always has directed movies with what he calls his "Family", his close knit team of moviemakers, forced everyone on the set to stay until the shooting was over to go back to the hotel. The scene had to be redone about 30 times because the weakened body of Matuszak had trouble getting the chains to break. The fact that he was allergic to peanuts only made things worse.

At about 3 am, after the 32nd missed take with everyone on the set losing their patience, Lupe Ontiveros, who played the role of Rosalita the cleaning woman, had a panic attack and screamed "Madre de Dios, Esta el curso del Bambino Rutho", which translated in English means "Mother of God, It's the curse of the Baby Ruth". Everyone on the set laughed and Matuszak nailed the next take, which is the one appearing in the final cut of the movie. The expression has since made its way to worldwide movie sets, and is used to describe "a very difficult scene to shoot".

In an interesting note, as a tribute to the late John Matuszak, former WCW Superstar Super Calo wrestles without his mask in Mexico as "El Hijo Del Bambino Rutho".

Q:Derek, who would win in a fight between Hitler, Heat Miser, Scott Stiener and Jenna Jameson?

Thanks man, Misfitt

ADA: Who the f*ck is Scott Stiener ?

Célian Varani.

Q: Ryan Celli asks: I see a lot of wrestlers who chew gum when they wrestle. Examples: Triple H and Goldberg. Is there a reason for this? Via ASK THE TORCH

ADA: Derek Burgan here for this one kids. You didn’t think I’d let that frog answer every question did you? I do want to thank Celian for helping out, kinda like how we helped him out back in a little thing called “World War II.”

Gum happens to be something I am an expert in (hence the name of this very website for those of you slow on the uptake.) While this is something you won’t read in any newspaper or Time magazine (thanks to the efforts of the gum industry), it is well known in the bodybuilding industry that chewing gum is the world’s largest natural carrier of ephedra, creatine and glutamine. That is why you see the jacked up wrestlers such as The Game and Goldberg chewing whereas a smaller wrestler such as Shannon Moore is gum free. In fact, the character “Bazooka Joe” was actually a character based on Joe Weider.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the angriest. Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!