1 Night in China

 

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DVD Review: 1 Night in China

Have you ever known ahead of time that there was something you knew you didn’t want to see but still had a morbid fascination with to look at anyway? I think this type of phenomenon is what keeps a show like Fear Factor on NBC in business. Seriously, I gag at the very thought of drinking a “bile shake” mixed with live maggots, but I still watch. For some of us, there must be a part of our brain that wants to be uncomfortable. How else can you explain motorists slowing down to gawk at a car wreck, websites such as www.rotten.com, or the celebrity status of Rosie O’Donnell?

Allow me to introduce 1 Night in China.

Everyone here probably remembers the story behind the now infamous Paris Hilton sex video. If not, I’ll give a recap. While Paris was dating a guy by the name of Rick Solomon, they filmed themselves having sex several times. After breaking up, Paris went on to become a national television celebrity and Solomon decided he would sell their sex tapes. Footage from these tapes became the rage for a while and there was even a high profile parody of them on Saturday Night Live. The adult entertainment company Red Light District produced a DVD of the homemade tapes with the clever title 1 Night in Paris and it went on to become one of the biggest selling adult DVDs in the history of the industry. Why? Because the public has a fascination with seeing celebrities nude, hence the success years before of a Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee video along with Playboy magazine's spike in sales whenever it publishes photos of an A-list star.

Enter Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, former WWE talent, Playboy model, horrible singer (Chynna Doll), low budget film actress and all around attention whore. With her career falling to D-level status (Celebrity Boxing 2) Laurer signed onto a show which has proven to be a haven for has-beens, The Surreal Life. As it so happens, the Paris Hilton DVD was released shortly before her television show (The Simple Life) was to begin and Laurer followed the same path upon releasing 1 Night in China. As they say in show business kids, timing is everything.

On to the DVD!

Be forewarned, this review is for all ages and anything inappropriate will be edited out.



During the main title introduction, Laurer is seen stripping and also applying a dominatrix-like outfit. She then hits herself with a small whip. OK then. This is all about as sexual as a Linda McMahon promo on Monday Night Raw, but I’ve seen uglier women. I can get through this. We then quickly go to a screen showing a plane landing in China. Lo and behold it’s Sean Waltman, who says, “I’m the craziest motherf---er you’ll ever meet in your entire life. Not maliciously, I don’t want to hurt anybody..” WTF? If you don’t remember Waltman, maybe you remember what Jim Cornette said about him a couple years ago in the middle of the Monday Night Wars: “And then you've got a guy, Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason he's employed is because the other guys think he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this wrestling war got started, that was released from a valid contract for one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.”

In Tiananmen Square (you know, the place where that one kid stood up to a tank) Waltman goofs on a picture of General Mao. I’m not quite sure how cool it would be if a Chinese person did a porn DVD and mocked President Lincoln at his memorial in Washington. A Chinese man starts talking about Chinese dynasties to Waltman and “X-Pac” looks like he’s trying to contemplate nuclear physics during this exchange. We then got some interior shots of some sort of temple. Why? Who knows. I’d also like to point out that I have read several reviews that say that this footage is actually Laurer filming Waltman but I’m almost positive this is not the case. It is much more likely that once Red Light District bought the sexual footage off of Laurer, they sent Waltman and a professional camera crew to China for some shots. There is absolutely no way an untrained person was filming Waltman during all of this.

After some more exterior shots of China we are quickly in the room of Laurer and Waltman. Laurer is dressed up in her leather dominatrix uniform that we saw earlier and the footage is entirely in black and white. If only The Blair Witch Project could have been this scary.

You have to picture that while all this is going on there is music in the background provided by Laurer herself singing at a rock club. It’s as bad as you think. Chynna Doll then “plays the skin flute” while Waltman returns the favor by “lip synching to the fish-fueled jukebox.” Get over it, this is a publication the entire family reads. When it comes time for them to do the “hippity dippity” (©Big Daddy) we have a choice view of Sean Waltman’s ass the entire time thanks to a poorly mounted camera. Although in retrospect, that might not have been a bad thing. Out of nowhere the DVD cuts to Waltman at one of the seven wonders of the world, the Great Wall of China.

After Waltman walks aimlessly around a Chinese city we cut to another sex scene. This time it is in color. Laurer starts off sitting on a bathroom sink. Waltman hands the camera to Laurer and goes “diving in the bushes head first.” The sound effects used during this exchange really have to be heard to be believed. I think a foley artist must have worked on this because there is no way human beings make those kind of sounds naturally. With Sean wielding the camera we get a close up shot of Laurer’s you-know-what.

Wait a second.



Is that what I think it is?



It can’t be.





It just can’t….

Oh no.



OH DEAR GOD NO.

JOANIE LAURER HAS A PENIS?!

This is incredible! How has this not come to my attention?! I mean, that’s big news isn’t it? Well, at least it is up here in New Hampshire. Maybe I’m seeing things, but it looks exactly like Laurer has a three inch penis on her “girl parts” (pierced, natch.) This certainly wasn’t in that Playboy pictorial I saw several years back. You know, for years I never understood what the big deal with The Crying Game was. Well, now I know. There are three events I will remember exactly where I was for the rest of my life. The first was back in 1985 when I was in grade school and the NASA Challenger blew up in air (with New Hampshire “teacher in space” Christa McAuliffe in tow). The second was September 11, 2001. The last is seeing Joanie “Chyna” Laurer with a penis. This is so depressing…I need to figure out if that whole Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind thing can work.

Anyhoo, back to the DVD, Laurer is thankful for Sean’s “clam digging” and quickly responds in kind with a little “sword swallowing” herself. This is actually one of the highlights of the DVD because when Laurer is on her knees and the camera is looking down at her she looks almost human.

The two then went to “having relations” “Greek style” and we get to see Laurer’s ass acne. You read that right, ASS ACNE. You ever want to stick red hot pokers straight into your eye sockets so you could never see anything so horrible again? Even though it seemed to last forever, several minutes later Laurer was back to “pickle smoking.” Then, in what is truly one of the most amazing things I have EVER seen in an adult video, we almost get a “montage” of scenes that the DVD (I think) tries to get over as if it is one long encounter. Even though the lighting is different, the clothing is different and the location is different they are all spliced together, ending with a quick “money shot” by Waltman. The only thing I can compare this to is the bizarre sequences of wrestling matches in Sting: The Moment of Truth in which the wrestlers fought in an empty arena but crowd shots from TNA and WCW shows were edited in. INCONCEIVABLE!

I’m still stunned and not sure if I can gather my thoughts right now. So I reached out to some people in the wrestling community to see what they thought of this DVD:

Wrestling Obsever's Dave Meltzer: This coming Monday's issue has complete coverage of quite possibly the most important video in the modern history of professional wrestlers making complete asses of themselves (literally). We have analysis of the Chynna Doll/X-Pac tape, the backgrounds and careers of both Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman, the controversy stemming from the “deep penetration” scene, and the failed negotiations for the “colon performance.” We also have an update on the Playboy mansion fight between the two and how it relates to the movie, and full details on how the couples’ “money shot” ranks with more legendary adult film orgasms. We have insider information on why Sanchez is Dirty, the legacy of the Cleveland Steamers, and how hot it gets in the Dutch Oven. We also look at how negotiations to use the Japanese-issued Bob Sapp dildo fell apart, and how that affected my enjoyment of the film.

The Observer is now in its 22nd year of being the leading insider publication on everything in the world. It is subscribed to by thousands of the most informed wrestling fans -- usually the ones who think an enjoyable Saturday night consists of hanging out and watching two washed up ex-wrestlers in a sex tape -- in all 50 states, several territories, and 38 countries (down from 40 due to the tsunami). It contains 1,125,000 to 1,135,000 words of the smallest text viewable to the human eye. Many issues are roughly double the size of War and Peace, and if printed in normal text size would equal 19 bibles stacked on top of each other, topped off with a San Diego Chargers media guide

Figure Four Weekly’s~! Frank A. Gotch: Good day fine readers! It is I, Frank A. Gotch, the Diftinguifed World’s Champion Wreftler and News-Letter publisher here to warn you of scandalous and heathen behavior in my once-proud sport that dares to expose our youth to filth! Around Christ-mas, yours truly had the unfortunate experience of walking in on my boy-servant, Young Alvarez, as he stared at the moving-picture box he has set up in his quarters. And what did my 127-year young eyes see? A deviant sexu’al act -- made worse when I was told it was between two competitors from my Sport of Kings! It’s sad enough that some of my brethren act in such mischievous ways, but the images of that big, muscle-bound man naked and abusing that smaller, greasier man so close to thy Lord’s Day was just too much for your be-lov’d champion to handle! If it wasn’t for this damn’d political-correctness, I’d say a thrashing of those two gentlemen is in order, and perhaps a well-gripped toe-hold would be the elixir that cures them of their tom-foolery. Well, I must depart you now, dear readers. Your champion has training to attend to, as I continue to travel the globe looking for challengers and offering all of you the honour of being inspired first-hand by my greatness. Until next time, huzzah!

NWA-TNA’s Jeremy Borash: Hello, again everyone. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to do a ‘Rash Review for anything, as it’s been incredibly busy here in TNA. The big impending move from 3 to 4 pm ET, on the Fox Sports Net channels that remember to show us, is just another sign that Total Nonstop Action is taking the world by storm, and has me working in overdrive. Now, I wouldn’t want to name drop, but my good friend Scott Baio -- who myself and Ron Killings were partying with at Tiffany Brissette’s house (she’s a legend for her work as Vicki the Robot on Small Wonder) -- let me see the infamous Chyna and Waltman video. While it’s interesting and, dare I say a little erotic, I can say that it runs a far second to my performance in the inspirational drama, Sting – Moment of Truth to be sure. And yeah, on their show you get two people having sex, but with TNA you get the most innovative game of chicken ever created, Ultimate X. (I hear those guys up north are still looking for a way to steal it.) And really, what would you rather watch, a big freak and a greasy drunk act like jerks or Kevin Nash and Scott Hall? Is the answer clear? Indeed!

WWE's Jim Ross: Greetings from under the black Resitol 200X hat, ladies and gentleman. Good 'ol J.R. here to tell you that I've seen some real slobber-knockers in my time, but never anything like that tape of Sean and Joanie. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee have nothing on these two former WWE Superstars, I assure you. That Chyna is a real hoss in the bedroom, but neither one are quite there as far as working that WWE style of adult presentation. I oughta know. Why do you think I have three ex-wives? By gawd, you can't help but become fascinated with naked mounds of flesh bumping against each other like two Alabama jack-rabbits during mating season when you work with Missy Hyatt for quite sometime. I know from traveling with The King how wild he can be, but Missy was a young lady that understood how to get over. And under, and to the side, and most impressively upside-down hanging from the lighting rig at the Mid-South Coliseum. By gawd, she was special and I wish her the best with some of the personal demons that not only she, but Chyna and Sean have gone through. Obviously, if the two ever get their heads back in the game, and spend a little time down in OVW for some seasoning, and work to gain back the trust of their peers in the locker room, by gawd we may see a main event slobber-knocker between the blessing of Mr. McMahon.

1 NIGHT IN CHINA ROUNDTABLE REVIEWS: Keller, Guttman, Mitchell, Powell, Radican

James Guttman, Torch columnist (2.0)

All in all... well, this sucked.

The footage shot in China was what it was, which means it was shot for the purpose of avoiding a WWE lawsuit.  Not that many people in WWE are going to admit to watching this, though the fact that Hunter knew about it on Howard Stern means that more people in WWE know about this than about Velocity.  Take that for what it's worth.

The former DXers appropriately sucked it and were sucked respectively.  If I had ever thought about these two having sex before this video was released (trust me, I hadn't), I would've guessed that there would be a lot more "sucking it".  Wasn't that their credo for two years?  Don't they have an image to uphold?  Wait, scratch that last one.

Watching Sean swan-dive into Joanie's muff was something I never needed to see.  The 1-2-3 Kid was confronted with Chynna Doll's giant pierced clitoris and did not run screaming into the night, like you and me and any other sane person in the world would have. 

Syxx-Pac ends the film by giving Joanie a come-from-behind, underdog performance to remember, or if you're me, forget.  Whatever.  By this time I was praying for a Billy Gunn cameo or something actually interesting.  Do me a favor and don't watch this.  Ever. 

Bruce Mitchell, Torch columnist (3.0)

Edgar Allen Poe, Ginger Lynn, Margaret Thatcher, Abe Vigoda, and now Chynna Doll. X-Pac has nothing on John Holmes.  The scenes in Chynna and in China were horrid.  I'll never get those two hours of my life back. [For Mitchell's extended thoughts, see "Mojo 1 Night in China" previously sent via email and posted at the VIP website.]

(Note:  Bruce actually gave it a 0.0, but Wade adjusted the numbers for what he perceives to be "old curmudgeon bias".)

Jason Powell, Torch assistant editor (3.5)

This show was an entertaining but ultimately lackluster effort.  While Sean and Joanie gave it their all, so to speak, I felt that they were unable to really connect with the fans on a higher level.  While it was a difficult task -- really, how often do fans have sex with women with mini-penises?  I felt they could've done a better job of rising to the occasion.  I still enjoyed this more than most TNA pay-per-views.  Replay Factor: I’d consider it.

Notes:  I was kind of hoping to see Waltman break out the Bronco Buster for old times' sake... Jokes about Chairman Mao never fail to crack me up... Wouldn't it be great if you could unlock some sort of extra commentary track from Kid Kash?  I'd pay extra for that... I thoroughly enjoyed Borash's cameo as the Chinese tour guide.  He had me completely fooled until I read the end credits...

Wade Keller, Torch Editor (6.5)

The story of this show should have been what it was - a train wreck of curiosity and copulation, played out for the masses.  Still, this show wasn't nearly as bad as some people have made it out to be.  While it won't be remembered as a classic from a workrate standpoint, there wasn't anything on here nearly as bad as Kane and Undertaker vs. Kronik.  Waltman carried the show to at least *** by not boo boo facing when faced with Laurer's well-endowed genitalia.  Laurer, on the other hand, was ultimately unconvincing in her role of reassuring Waltman that the size of his penis was, in fact, up to par.  You could tell that she wishes he were packing something a bit larger in those leather pants of his.

The ending, while a bit of a surprise, was very well done.  While I was expecting a more predictable finishing move such as the "pearl necklace" or “the Hostess creampie” onto the face, I felt that Waltman “tossing the white rope” onto Laurer's rear was an appropriate finish for what was a passable, but not great, performance. 

The only real problem I had with this show was Waltman's mocking of China (the country) as a way to put himself over.  Is it great that Waltman and Laurer are visiting China?  Absolutely. Should Waltman use it as a platform for DX-esque antics? No. That besmirches what should be an apolitical entertaining of the fornicating masses.

Sean Radican, PWTorch.com Lounge Columnist (1.0)

[Editor's Note: During January, a Torch Lounge Dweller will be a Guest Roundtable Contributor. You can read Sean's postings of ROH news and his Lounge columns once a week at PWTorch.com.]

You know the expression "misery loves company"?  Well, I do, so I invited my friend Glenn over to watch this DVD with me.  When we got to the part where we saw what appeared to be Chyna's pierced penis, I told Glenn that it was called an "A-Train".  He asked me what I meant.  I paused the DVD and told him that I slipped up and meant that it was called a "Prince Albert".  Glenn just gave me this confused look and said that he was going to go google it.  While he walked away I said, "It's a pierced penis."  About a minute later Glenn came back with several hi-res color photos of pierced male genitalia.  I immediately ripped them up and yelled, "I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!

Glenn then un-paused the DVD and said, "Hey, doesn't it look like Chyna has a pierced penis?"

BONUS MATERIAL: Like 1 Night in Paris, this DVD comes with four bonus scenes from other movies in the Red Light District movie collection. There is also a second DVD that is full of promotional material for what would seem like every adult DVD ever made.

At least the DVD's bonus material features hot women!

Overall Thoughts: Ever see that episode of The Simpsons in which Bart and Milhouse get a chance to go into Comic Book Guy’s private stash of bootleg videos? In a way, this is like that. As much as parts of this DVD are jaw droppingly shocking, It belongs in a wrestling fan’s library in much the same way that a Star Wars fan should have a copy of The Star Wars Christmas Special. Comic book fans should do what they can to get a hold of Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four movie or any of those campy Justice League ones that had Adam West as Batman in them. Not because they are good, but because they are extremely bad. It’s the kind of thing you can tell your friends about and they honestly won’t believe you until they see it for themselves. If you would like a copy of 1 Night in China Click HERE.

Special thanks to PuroresuPowerHour’s own Mike Sempervive & Keith Lipinski, Sensational Scott Paris, New Torch SmackDown guy Mike Roe and the only good looking Ram’s fan on the planet, Lauren Atchley, for their help in this review.

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.