Comic Book Review: NASH
By Image Comics and Next Entertainment
reading the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter and Wade Keller is in the middle of a multi-part Torch Talk with Kevin Nash that is already the best wrestling interview I've ever read. It’s hilarious, while also offering sharp insight into the inner workings of the wrestling business. Kevin Nash has charisma that somehow comes through via the written word, an amazing feat that guys like Justin Credible couldn’t accomplish with all 80 parts of his Torch Talk put together.
Earlier this year I detailed my encounter with Nash at WrestleReunion, in my quest to get him to sign my Death of WCW book. Last week I was alerted to the fact that every single issue of the Kevin Nash comic book was up for auction over on eBay. This lot was a collection of Nash #1 and #2 along with a preview issue and a Dynamic Forces alternate cover for #1. For those of you who aren’t comic geeks, preview issues are a way for the companies to gouge their fan base by putting out full priced comics with nothing but sketch pages and other filler.
Well, I won the auction and soon I was in possession of the comic books. ALL HAIL TO THE POWER OF THE INTERNET. It wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t provide you, Dear Reader, a review of these books, especially when they are described like this:
"NASH, a sci-fi action adventure comic, blasts into the future world of 2023. There is no money, no middle class, no justice and no hope. Food is the only commodity in a world divided into social castes: the affluent elite who live in the domed cities and tattered poor who inherited the unwanted waste lands. Out of this desolate land steps Nash, a massive man with a plan, intent on giving the establishment in the domed cities a butt kicking and the poor of the waste lands a piece of the pie....."
On to the comic!
Issue #1 starts off with a lot of writing that is done like the Matrix-code and is almost impossible to read. Here’s what it says though:
In the year 2000, Armageddon never came. No final battle at the world's end. No phantom horsemen ringing in the apocalypse. The truth was worse than that. For when famine, pestilence, and death arrived at last...they were entirely of human origin!
It was the work of the citadel. A secret cabal led by a man named Cyrus Storm. A man whose vision was exceeded only by his ruthlessness.
Storm foresaw the food shortage that an ever-expanding world population would bring, and that was a scenario he planned to avoid with every means at his disposal.
Releasing a deadly, but selective virus into the environment, Storm and his cabal decided who would live and who would die. Controlling the fate of every individual on Earth and ridding the world of any believed to be defective.
To maintain the purity of the upper class that found salvation in the citadel's order, huge domes were constructed around the world's great cities. The affluent lived in the plague-free security of the domes...while the lower class subsisted in the diseased, forgotten wastelands.
Those wasteland dwellers who survived the virus soon faced another calamity- starvation. Food had become the most precious commodity on the planet, and it was hoarded for the upper class.
Food shipments destined for the domed cities became targets of highwaymen and wasteland marauders. But these outlaws rarely stood a chance against truckers trained in military combat.
Now life in the wastelands is bad and getting worse.
The poor and the hungry face a bleak future.
A future that would be entirely without hope were it not for one thing:
”Allrighty then!” - Ace Ventura
The art picks up with some bad guys, who are driving around delivering food to the rich, pulling up to a fueling port and blowing away an old beggar woman. I believe this officially just became Rudy Giuliani’s favorite comic book. The woman’s grandson was about to be shot dead when KEVIN NASH made the save. Nash took a page from The Rock’s book by doing the “Just Bring It” hand gesture as the bad guy charged him with a knife that was a total rip-off of a
light saber. “I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody!” – Chris Rock Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back! Nash twisted the bad guy’s hand around so that the bad guy stabbed himself with the knife. Nash then put some sort of bomb in the guy’s head and we got to see a very graphic picture of a face exploding. A little disgusting, but after seeing Chyna’s you-know-what, my gag reflex is pretty strong.
Nash gave the poor people the food that was being transported before walking into their shanty town. Nash respected what the poor people had built in “the wastelands” and this segued into a cut where we met the comic’s lead heel, Minister Parch. I shit-you-not, I think Parch is supposed to be getting a blow job by a young boy in the first panel he’s in. Parch found out about the food shipment being hijacked and became livid. Parch tried to contact Cyrus Storm, but instead got Storm’s daughter Tara, who secretly wants to take Parch down. Oh the intrigue!
Next cut is to Kevin Nash having sex.
While Nash was still mid-coitus, the shanty town was leveled by bombs sent by Parch. A bunch of weird helicopter-like things are destroying everything in sight when Nash somehow gets onboard one of the copters and tossed the pilot out. Now, the art in one panel made it impossible to tell what was going on, but I believe Nash piloted his helicopter-thingy into another helicopter-thingy and then hit the ejector seat button. Now, GET THIS, Nash was free falling in the air and caught up to the pilot he threw out earlier and started to BEAT HIM UP WHILE FALLING TO THE GROUND.
The last helicopter-thingy began shooting at Nash, but Big Sexy pulled the other pilot he was fighting with in front of him to take all the bullets. Nash then got aboard the other ship, grabbed the pilot and jumped out. This is insane. Anyhoo, this pilot was a guy Nash knew from the past, named Trax, and on the ground Trax pulled a gun on Nash and shot Big Sexy at point blank range. This did not kill Nash, but it did send him hurtling into the big food transport that he hijacked and a second later the helicopter-thingy that he pulled Trax from crashed into the transport. Believe it or not, Nash didn’t sell this at all, so I guess Triple H wasn’t that bad after all when he didn’t sell being dropped 20 feet in a car on Monday Night Raw.
Nash was surprised to look up and see three guys hovering in the air, and they looked like the old Silverhawks cartoon with a grim and gritty edge. These guys were sent by Minister Parch and were not happy that Nash was a fornicator. Nash began to rumble with this crew and had one sequence where he grabbed a guy’s arm and said, “Quit struggling, or I’ll have to break your arm! On the count of three, one…two…SNAP!” The bad guy screamed in pain and yelled, “AIIIIEEEE! You said I had until three!”
“I lied.” – Kevin Nash
Good line, but even better the first time I heard it from Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando. HOLY SHIT, the very next panel has the funniest scene of the entire comic as another bad guy punched Nash right in the face. It looked so cartoonish with Nash’s eyes popping out that I literally did a spit-take.
Anyhoo, Nash punched that guy out in response. For the third guy, Nash grabbed a stake and stuck it through the guys nose so that the tip came out of the top end of his nose, then nailed him to a wall. WTF? As the guy was screaming “PULL IT OUT! PULL IT OUT!” Nash said that he didn’t have the strength. Nash was then shot in the back by a mysterious villain who was only outlined, which is weird since this is the first issue and we wouldn’t have known who it was anyway. I mean this isn’t Spider-Man where you keep a guy in shadows on a cliffhanger because you don’t want the fans to know it was the Sandman or Venom or something.
That’s it for issue #1. If you want me to actually review #2, you better write early and write often, because right now I just don’t have the strength.
Overall Thoughts: Click Here to purchase the comic, although Kevin Nash is personally only selling the Gold and Platinum editions of the book, which go for $70 and $100 respectively. If you pay those prices, well, there are really no words to describe a person like that.
Special thanks to Mike Roe for his help with this review.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.