The Inside Dig #4

The Inside Dig

By Dusty Giebink

Hello, fellow human beings. I know it’s been a while since last we met, but I feel like absence only makes the heart grow fonder and things of that nature. Where I last left off, I was telling everyone that Wesley Clark, embattled general and much maligned Clinton puppet, is just the right person to be president for all us wrestling fans out there. Well, just like when I predicted the Brewers would win the Super Bowl this past year, I was mistaken. These events are few and far between, and quite honestly, I wish for you all to mark your calendars by these momentous occasions.

What I’m saying is, as much as this pains me to say it, I was wrong. General Clark dropped out of the race a few weeks ago, endorsing Botox Poster Boy John Kerry. I find this to be insulting. John Kerry will not stand up for the rights of wrestling fans. John Kerry will not fight for the right of steroid abuse in wrestling. This is no good at all.

Fear not, loyal readers, I think I may have a solution. I and my loyal, faceless, nameless crew of assistants work overtime, combing the Internet and cable news networks, in search of a solution. We think we have found it. From time to time, the Inside Dig will be taking an in depth look at the latest happenings in the news, giving them the critical eye that only ID can do.

ITEM~! Ralph Nader announced recently that he is set to throw his hat into the ring and give it another run for the presidency. This is wonderful news, and I’ll get to that in just a second. Now, if it seems like Nader has been running for president for the whole of yours and my lifetime, well you’d pretty much be correct. Whether it be with the Democratic party, the Green Party, or now just as an Independent, King Ralph sure gets around.

And, speaking of King Ralph, I must say Nader has sure lost a lot of weight recently. I mean, the poor guy was morbidly obese during that film, and now seems to be quite slender. You have to give the man credit for being able to multi-task so efficiently. I mean, he is a storied consumer advocate, a multiple time presidential nominee, and was also able to fit in a major motion picture into his busy schedule. That takes some guts~!

While on the topic of King Ralph, I must express my displeasure for that flick. I mean, Ralph wearing a fat suit, a boring, mediocre script, and worst of all, Camille Corduri as the main love interest. I’m sorry, but even at his advanced age, Ralphie can do so much better than that! I’m thinking more along the lines of that young little minx Raquel Welch. (And they say old Dusty is out of touch with what the people want!)

In any event, Mr. Nader must be applauded for not only surviving the backlash of the aforementioned horrible movie, but being able to bounce back better than ever. Ralph might seem to be perpetually haggard, and graying by the minute, but that’s just one reason why a person should get behind him. (And I mean, really get behind him~!)

It is Nader’s long record of great consumer advocacy that makes me believe that he is just the right person to throw our support to. While Clark sold out and supported old horse face, Ralph Nader will never sell out. Do you want safer automobiles? With better fuel efficiency? Do you want clean drinking water? The list goes on and on. Ralph has fought for these causes over the years, and has been very successful in doing so.

Therefore, there’s no reason not to believe he is the right man to be president. I call for all wrestling fans to throw their support behind Ralph Nader in 2004, the world’s only 70-year-old metrosexual. He fights for the people. He’s going to fight for the right to keep steroids in professional wrestling. He won’t drop out of the race just because he’s losing horribly. The man has no shame, and I like that in a candidate. He’s going to keep battling, keep climbing up the insurmountable hill. Like Sisyphus, Ralph Nader keeps coming back for more. And coming, and coming. And I like that. (Old Dusty digresses again!)

If you want to maintain the status quo, and keep steroids in the world of professional wrestling, there is but one choice. I implore everyone to throw their vote away in 2004. It’s the least you can do to keep wrestling, uh, big.

***

Speaking of basketball, the action there has been particularly hot and heavy as well of late. With the trading deadline just passed, many players have changed jerseys of late. See, I’ve never been too keen on all this trading. I mean, if teams were really serious about trading talent, they would trade their hot dog vendors, and things like that. I can’t speak for anyone else’s vendors, but I know for a fact that the Milwaukee Brewers have the world’s best collection of beer and cotton candy sellers known to man. It never ceases to amaze me that teams trading with the Brewers don’t demand at least one of these guys in any trade they make.

In any event, we’re left with merely playing swapping uniforms. Which is fine, but a bit prehistoric by my tastes. Rest assured that me and my crew reprazented by watching the deadline moves with a close eye. It was not without merit, I might add.

ITEM~! Rasheed Wallace traded twice by the time the deadline struck. Did you ever feel unwanted? I mean, like no one in the world loves you? Like you’re less of a person or something? Of course, compared to me and my wonderful prognosticating abilities, everyone in the world seems a bit inadequate. I will readily admit that. However, lately, life has been especially not fair if you are one Rasheed Wallace.

Rasheed is an interesting case. He began this season as a Portland Trail Blazer. Now, he quickly became an unpopular figure there due to, among other things, an alleged bad attitude and alleged illegal drug use. All this alleged ness was enough to drive Blazer management up the wall. Subsequently, Wallace became an Atlanta Hawk.

Now, if the culture shock of going from Portland to Atlanta wasn’t enough, Wallace would be traded one more time thereafter. After playing a whole of one game in a Hawk jersey, Wallace was shipped off to the Detroit Pistons.

Rash-Money should not be discouraged with the perpetual change of scenery. For one thing, it’s a nice way to rack up points by using his Miles Card. Furthermore, many people complain that their busy schedules don’t allow for them to just go out and see the world anymore. Mr. Wallace has none of that to complain about. By being on three different teams, located in three very different parts of the contiguous United States, in a matter of weeks, should be every working stiff’s dream.

So, turn that “I’ve been traded twice, no one loves me” frown upside down, Rasheed! Remember, it takes more muscles to frown that it does to smile. Put on a happy face. And all of that good stuff. There is even talk that Rasheed is going to be good enough to lift the Pistons into a championship contender. I don’t care about that; I just want to see those long, black dreadlocks bouncing off of the blue and white background that is Detroit’s jersey. Ah, I can see it now!

***

Meanwhile, Mardi Gras is right around the corner. While the New Orleans located event is so very not-metrosexual, what with its barely clothed women flashing their hideous bodies at innocent bystanders and drunken passersby deposited their vomit on your shoes, for instance, there is still plenty of reason to celebrate this, uh, celebration!

ITEM~! The House & Home section of MSN.com, a handy little corner of the Internet for anyone I might add, has a tremendous recipe for Cajun seafood gumbo. It can be found right here: http://houseandhome.msn.com/food/recipes/RecipeDetail.aspx?rid=2599. But, hurry up and get yours while supplies last! (That’s Internet humor, meant to convey the short shelf life for some things on the web. Old Dusty is certainly in touch with the hep cats these days!)

This recipe takes about 20 minutes to prepare, and 55 minutes to cook, according to the website. I don’t know about you, but waiting for gumbo to cook for an hour seems like a much more pleasant way to spend your Mardi Gras than wandering the streets, trying to avoid the flash of a flat-chested, drunken youth. Less vomit on your shoes, also.

While I am just about ready to sign off for this time, I want to leave you with this thought: Nothing contained herein has any base whatsoever, and no logical foundation of fact. It is merely the ramblings of a metrosexual-minded individual from Wisconsin that sucks in information like a sponge, and spits it out to the general public. I hope you have enjoyed our semi-regular meeting. I will see you next week, with more in the world of pop culture and sports. See you then!

Dusty Giebink is America’s least known Internet Wrestling Community member, and also proudly wears the banner of being GumGod.com's least known and most obscure columnist, as well. He wishes all wrestling fans would come together as one, and tell A Train to put a darned shirt on already.