Kayfabe Krackdown #2

KayfAbe KrAcKdOwN!!!

Issue #2

In the first issue of KayFabe Krackdown we met Douglas, a loveable yet ill-tempered little scamp whose enjoyment of dirtsheets and insider information was second only to his love for eating spoonfuls of butter straight from the oversized tub that his owner always makes sure to have around to prevent the two year old stuffed pup from having one of his famous mood swings!

"Doggie" had just moved into a brand new house with his owner and they were welcomed to the neighborhood by the neighborhood chairman, none other than former AWA World Heavyweight Champion Verne Gagne! Verne liked the enthusiasm in the eyes of the young tike and offered to induct him into the number one kayfabe organization in the world, the Cauliflower Alley Club! Though the club had a strict rule against dirtsheets, Douglas felt as though giving them up for a week or two would be well worth it because Verne invited Doggie to a Legends Meet & Greet with The Barbarian! Douglas very much wanted to kick the Barbarian in the shins while shouting in his face about what a Road Warriors rip-off the Powers of Pain were, so he took the official Cauliflower pledge and Verne gave him his very own membership card!

However, when his owner went to the store, Doggie got into the Strawberry Daiquiri Boone's Farm and started reading dirtsheets while screaming violently about what an over-pushed, no talent wrestler Greg Gagne was. Douglas looked up to realize that the large, broad shouldered shadow of Verne Gagne was upon him. Quickly shoveling his dirtsheets under his blanket, Doggie hadn't the time to hide the framed photo of Dave Meltzer that he slept beside every night. Too afraid to look up at Verne, Doggie knew one thing... he was in BIG trouble!

Issue #2:

"MISSSSSSSSTER GAGNNNNNNNE" gasped Douglas. Doggie sure was scared what Verne would say about his temper tantrum involving Greg Gagne and his over- push! Doggie slowly turned around, gulped and looked up at Mr. Gagne.

"Pain and destruction are our middle names. Search and destroy you, run and we'll find you, there's no place to hide, the demos will get you, We're Demolition!" sang Verne as he wildly strummed the air guitar. "Hello Douglas, were you saying something? I'm sorry, I always crank my tunes up when I take my mid-afternoon walk" said Verne, gasping for air. "No Sir Mr. Gagne" stuttered Douglas, "I was just chanting '93,178', the official attendance of Wrestlemania III!" said Doggie, desperately wanting to blurt out what an over-inflated number it actually was. "Well Douglas, aren't you a chip off the old block" laughed Verne as he slapped Doggie five. "Douglas, one more thing, what's that bulge below your blanket? Is everything ok?" asked Verne. Doggie leaped beneath the blanket and told Verne that everything was just fine. Verne grabbed the blanket and ripped it off of the bed, wondering what Doggie was trying to hide.

Verne's eyes lit up like flapjacks as he looked down at Douglas. "A back issue of The Wrestler!" exclaimed Verne. Mr. Gagne told Douglas that he had just finished reading the issue where Ric Flair proclaimed "El Gigante is for real" and had written a letter to the editor agreeing with the statement. "Lemme see that for a second Douglas, I want to see where Greg Gagne fell in the top ten 'Most Popular' rankings."

Douglas wanted to tell Mr. Gagne that Greg belonged in the most hated rankings along with Erik Watts, but the little scamp held back through thoughts of throwing hot coffee on the Barbarian for phoning in his performance at the 1990 Survivor Series. As Mr. Gagne tugged at the magazine, Douglas would not release it! Giggling, Mr. Gagne told Douglas he wouldn't give up one of his old black and white wrestling magazines either! "I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner Doggie", I've invited you and your owner over for a meal with me and one of my sons. "O-Koy" said Douglas.

Doggie sighed in relief as Verne left, thankful that he didn't discover what he was hiding underneath the magazine that he wouldn't let Verne have!

It had been a long day of watching cartoons, eating butter and hiding insider information from Verne Gagne, so Douglas decided to lay down in his bed and call it a night.

The next morning, Doggie's owner woke him up bright and early for his first day at his brand new school. "F-CK YOU, I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL COCK FACE, GET THE F-CK OUT OF HERE AND LET A F-CKER GET SOME MOTHERF-CKING SLEEP...BITCH" shouted Douglas as he threw a small granite statue at his owners face. Doggie's owner turned his bedroom lights on and pulled away his covers. "YOU'RE GONNA F-CKING PAY FOR THIS BITCH, I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR WHITE ASS RED AND THEN I'M GONNA PULL OUT MY LEEVER AND PISS ON YOUR F-CKING GRAVE MOTHER- F-CKER!" yelled Douglas.

Douglas was enrolled in a "special school". Doggie's reading level was very high due to his volumes of dirtsheets, but his behavior was very poor. Douglas was put in a class that had a 4th grade literacy level, but the social skills, grammar, and behavior of infants. On the first day of class, the students watched their very first 3-D MOVIE on why they shouldn't eat their own waste!

After school, Doggie's owner sure hoped that his behavior would improve due to his new learning environment. After Douglas's 4:30PM snack of buttered butter, his owner decided that it was time for a nap. Doggie's owner shut off his lights, flipped his circuit breaker and locked his bedroom door from the outside, the only way he knew how to ensure that the little rascal would actually nap like he was supposed to! Within minutes, Doggie's owner smelled smoke coming from the bedroom!

When his owner unlocked the door, he was shocked to see Doggie trying to set the "Best of Greg Gagne" video that Verne brought by on fire! "Douglas, what are you doing?" shouted his owner. "VERNE GAGNE WANTS TO PUSH HIS SON TO THE MOON? WELL I'LL SET HIS F-CKING SON ON FIRE THE UNTALENTED F-CKING PIECE OF SHIT! BURN MOTHERF--KER, BURN!" shouted Douglas before his owner took away his matches and extinguished the video.

A few moments later, the door was knocked upon and Doggie stood atop his stool, looked through the peephole and opened it. Mr. Gagne stood in front of him with a wrapped gift in his hand. Verne presented it to Douglas and told him to wear it to dinner this evening at 7:00pm sharp. Douglas ran to his room, thanked Mr. Gagne and pulled the colorful paper away as quickly as his little paws would let him! "I HOPE IT'S A F-CKING HANDLE OF MOTHER- F-CKING BACARDI, NONE OF THE F-CKING CHEAP SHIT" said Doggie anxiously. After all the paper was gone, the pup read the note that was taped to the front of an envelope. Doggie carefully unfolded the note and read it aloud. "Worn by Greg Gagne the night of the biggest match in professional wrestling history". Douglas opened the envelope to see a sweat stained old headband that said "Greg" on it. Douglas was livid and darted down the hallway, ready to give Verne his membership card back so that he could really state how he felt about Greg. Doggie looked at his owner and shouted "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT OLD MOTHERF-CKER, GREG GAGNE WAS NEVER EVEN INVOLVED IN A TWO STAR MATCH. LOOK AT THE GOD DAMN MOTHERF-CKING OBSERVER INDEX! IT SAYS 'RIC FLAIR CAN CARRY ANYONE TO A FOUR STAR MATCH* ', DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE F-CKING ASTERISK SAID ON THE FOOTNOTE? ' *EXCEPT GREG OVERF-CKING PUSHED GAGNE' THE LITTLE BITCH." Doggie's owner stared blankly at him before the irate pup shouted "WHAT ARE YOU F-CKING LOOKING AT...BITCH". Doggie's owner sighed and told him that Verne requested that he wear the headband to supper this evening.

Doggie thought long and hard about whether or not to wear the headband to dinner, but after loosening up with a few shots of Smirnoff, Douglas decided that the benefits outweighed the costs!

Doggie put the headband on his head, took his owner's hand and went to dinner at Verne's house while excitedly thinking about hitting the Barbarian over the head with a mallet while telling him that even Virgil had more workrate in his little finger than the Barbarian had in his entire body times two! "Knock Knock Knock" was the sound on the door as Doggie and his owner arrived at Mr. Gagne's door step. Verne greeted them and looked at Doggie's headband. "I'm so glad you wore it Douglas, I knew you would love it!" exclaimed Verne. "Please come in, we'll be having Turkey and Green Beans for dinner, I hope you like them, let me go check on supper and get the fourth member of our dinner party!" said Verne. "Turkey, is it left over from the AWA Turkey on a pole match " mumbled Douglas under his breathe. "And the beans, they have a lot in common with your son, they are GREEN and will be FORCED DOWN OUR THROAT YOU OLD BITCH". Doggie's owner reprimanded him and told him that there would be no room for that kind of behavior at dinner.

Verne returned from the kitchen and dimmed the lights. "Now Douglas, I want you to meet a very special someone who is thrilled to be meeting his NUMBER ONE FAN! Puppies and Gentleman, please welcome my son who will be joining us for dinner, the greatest wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots, from the great state of Minnesota, GREGGGG GAGNE!!!" yelled Verne as he strobed his kitchen lights on and off rapidly.

"Hello Douglas, I am so happy to be meeting one of my millions of fans. Now tell me buddy, who's the best technical wrestler in the world!" laughed Greg as he pointed to himself. Douglas' blood began to BOIL.

- TO BE CONTINUED -