Kayfabe Krackdown #4.5

Hello there, my name is Verne Gagne and I have been selected to fill you in on all of the happenings of the week in the world of WWE, from the inside of the arena! And if happens inside a WWE arena, I will be the first one to let you know!

In the injury report for this week, Kurt Angle has a knee injury that didn't stop him from taking every cheap shot he could on Chris Benoit. I think the only injury Kurt has is a big yellow stripe down the middle of his back! Chris Benoit is also probably injured from the beating Team Angle gave him at the conclusion of Smackdown. I was so concerned that I tried to call 911 from a payphone at the arena exit, but I didn't have enough change! When did they change the toll from a nickel to 35 cents anyway! Luckily Greg was with me and called from a walkie talkie that he carries called a cellular. He must have had the arena staff on the other end, I just wonder how he keeps all of those frequencies straight! In a final bit of injury news, Randy Orton's shoulder is up to 94.6%. It sure is amazing how technology can give an exact percentage on shoulder mobility these days, what will they think of next? Hopefully a device that would let me change the channel on my moving picture box without having to get up!

What a joy the Scott Steiner / Triple H pose down was this past week. I sure cheered for the Bad Old Booty Daddy! I was stunned when the six normal fans turned out to be hired hands of the World Champion, who would have guessed it! They all looked as though they had been in the ring before as well, Triple H sure must have trained them well! What a surprise! And then the bench press challenge, Triple H was afraid to accept Freaky Kong's challenge! I was so happy to see Scott finally get his hands on HHH at the Rumble, what a match!

The Raw Tenth Anniversary Special was such a treat! It was so much more than I expected, WWE really outdid themselves! One thing that stood out in particular was the appearance by The Rock. Boy Brock Lesnar sure must have injured him, he has been gone since SummerSlam. When the Rock showed up live on the screen, I couldn't believe how vocally loud all of the rulebreakers at the dinner were! They jeered so loudly that the millions...and millions of the Rock's fans were drowned out. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Chris Jericho paid off the camera crew to pump up the microphones in the rulebreaker section. And how about that finish! The superstar of the decade award going to Steve Austin, and just when Steve was about to burst through the curtain to accept it, Mr. McMahon told him that he wasn't welcome at the show! I waited outside in the freezing cold for half an hour, but Steve Austin hadn't come out of the back doors of The World yet when a group of rule breakers came out and scared me away. I managed to shout "Harvard Stinks!" at Chris Nowinski before running for my life though! All in all, what a fantastic night! And my sixty-three dollar hamburger was worth every single lip smacking cent!

Test certainly is gaining some steam lately, especially with his sultry marketing expert by his side. He sure is gaining some testicles too! Boy, I wrote a piece of fan mail to Stacy but she hasn't responded yet. I wanted to tell her that her name for Test's fans also means something else and I wanted to let her know before she embarrasses herself and realizes she keeps calling Test's followers the same thing Greg calls my water chestnuts!

I was shocked at Vince McMahon's ultimatum to Eric Bischoff this last week on Raw! Eric has been doing such a super job with Raw, watching it has been such a joy since he took over! He has made so many good decisions, I am still aching from the Elimination Chamber and I wasn't even involved! Some weeks I hope he whoops Stephanie McMahon's butt, and some weeks I wish he would get creamed! He isn't so tough when Chief Morley and Three Minute Warning aren't around I bet. I wonder where Morley came from, I have never seen him before he came out to help Eric several weeks ago, probably some hotshot university graduate! Boy, the other day Greg woke me and said "Dad, we have to be out the door for the market in three minutes". I froze like a dear and asked "three minutes?". I began tugging on Greg's face to make sure it wasn't Eric and then I hid under the bed in the fetal position until five minutes had gone by and I knew I was safe!

Two of my favorite up and coming WWE SUPERSTARS are The Hurricane and Gregory Helms. I think both will go on to big things one day and I think it is wonderful what The Hurricane does outside of the ring to help humanity. I would sure be a treat to see these two team up some day!

Another rising star that Greg and I jeer relentlessly is John Cena. I sure hate that loud hoppity hip that the kids are into these days! Greg made a sign last week, "John Cena = M&M & B Squared = Dr. Dog!", what a joker!

And finally, I would be remiss not to mention a tragedy in the wrestling world at the end of my report. Al Wilson, father of Torrie Wilson, passed away two weeks ago on Smackdown. Greg and I sure did get our calendars mixed up as when we went to the Smackdown taping, we could have sworn it was a Tuesday! However, I would like to thank WWE for fixing our calendars as we now know today is Tuesday, not Sunday like we thought. Boy, the post office sure must close early on Tuesday's, I went at noon today and there was nobody there! Greg and I didn't know how popular Tuesday church service was either! But, the real tragedy at hand was the passing of a good man who loved his girlfriend Dawn Marie very much, he must have if he was willing to get married in his skivvies! I called Torrie at her home today letting her know how sorry I was for everything that happened, but she just said "relax Verne, he isn't really dead". Reality must not have set in for the poor girl yet.

On that note, thank you very much for reading "From the Inside of the Arena" with me, Verne Gagne, where I tell it like it is! If it happened inside the arena, you will hear it right here from me! Greg and I are getting ready to hard boil some eggs, but until next week, please don't provoke rule breakers, especially alone!

Sincerely,

Verne Gagne

( Greatest Wrestler of all time / #1 Dad )