The Senior Prom: The Conclusion

As the sea beast marched towards me, I could feel her warm breath shooting across the room as she stalked me. I thought once again that my life as I knew it would cease to be.

"What do you mean you won't stop seeing Marcy JoeJoe" howled the beast.

"I thought that we could date this winter" she continued.

"I'm sorry" I said, "I'm going to have to explore my feelings for Marcy first.

As the skies opened up and the storm fell on the rooftop of the house, lightning lit her face as she approached me. I exited the house and she followed me in to the rainstorm. Moving quickly, I took cover behind her prized possession, the brand new Ford Explorer that her parents gave her as a graduation present.

"I'm going to ask you one more time" shouted Meghan as the rain streamed down her puffy face.

"ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP SEEING MARCY?"

Looking her dead in the eyes I said "Yes".

I then began heading towards my car. She charged at me like Fred Taylor with a barrage of closed fist punches to my face. They didn't hurt but I retreated. She then went for the famous Von Erich claw, only she planted her twisted fingers on my crotch. I pulled her arm off and like Pele, she pulled her leg back to deliver a devastating finishing kick to my loins, but I was too quick. As I sidestepped the kick, her leg shot into the air and the large wooden clog that she was wearing flew into the heavens. It went so high that I lost sight of it in the stormy midnight sky. Seconds later, as if in slow motion, the shoe came falling to the earth like a meteor and landed directly on the hood of her new Explorer, leaving a crater sized dent in the metal. She again started dashing at me, trying to spear me off of the dock and into the lake behind me. I move out of the way, she tripped as she was only wearing one shoe and went careening into the lake.

Letting out of a hearty laugh, I leaped into my car and sped off.

I made a conscious effort to stop calling the sea beast so much at this point in my life though the occasional weak late night call still occurred. She wrote me a long, demented letter which I would kill to still have in which she told me how much she liked me and how much it hurt her to see me with someone else. She also wrote me a letter on the back of a flip flop which she mailed to my house and caused me great embarrassment. Thinking little of it, I continued my relationship with Marcy and before I knew it, she was my bona fide girlfriend.

Meghan began showing up wherever I would be, having some kind of magical seventh sense in which she could discover even the most secretive of plans. I had warned Marcy about her, but she didn't truly believe until one evening when we were leaving the movie theatre after seeing Pitch Dark. As we entered our car, a set of headlights across the way came on. It was a deep blue Mustang, and it belonged to Meech. As I hit the gas, the tires on the Mustang spun and the high speed chase we on. We raced down the parkway well above the speed limit and if a police officer would have seen us we would have likely been given huge tickets and possible jail time for reckless driving. As they pulled up beside us, Meech's window dropped and all one could see in the darkness was a small reading light illuminating the face of the sea beast. I slammed the breaks and pulled a U-Turn as they kept driving. I had escaped with my life, this time at least.

We all spent the duration of the winter hiding from Meghan, drinking and having a hell of a good time. Christmas was wonderful that year, but New Years Day would be even better as Meghan would be leaving town and going to school in North Carolina where she would go on to have no friends either. Though she scared the living daylights out of me at this point, I felt as though I should say goodbye as we had been through so much together. So, on New Years Eve 1999, we threw one of the best New Years parties I had ever attended. With three hotel rooms, enough liquor to subdue an elephant and all of our closest friends, we rang in the new year right. As Chris Jericho appeared on television just before midnight, we counted down the seconds, popped champagne and drank until 9am.

At around 3:30am, Meghan and Meech popped in so that Meghan could say goodbye to "all of her friends". Everyone no sold her presence, everyone but me. I walked her outside and we said our goodbyes. It wasn't ugly but it wasn't joyous either, we just kind of said goodbye as Meech hovered over our shoulders like a vulture. It should be noted that that evening I was wearing this horrible outfit...

It wasn't a gag or a costume party, I actually thought I looked nice in this getup. It was three years ago and most of my friends seemed to like it, but it's a .9 on the Cringe-meter these days.

Meghan asked Michelle to leave the room and the moment she did, her lips lunged towards me like a Venus fly trap from the bottomless ocean. I shoved her off and explained to her that it was over.

"F-ck you. You are nothing without me. The only reason you have been straying away from me is because you are afraid that you still love me. I own you...I own you".

At this point, it was on. Drunk beyond belief, I looked her dead in the eyes and went off on her. I told her everything. From the fact that I thought she was leading me on to the fact that she indeed was "The Pelvis to the fact that I never wanted to see her again.

As tears filled up here eyes, she ran away. "Wait" I shouted. She turned to me romantically and said "Yes JoeJoe".

"Your house smells like piss".

"Your house smells like piss".

"Your house smells like piss".

I drank that evening until breakfast time and then headed to Denny's with those who made it through the night with me. I was treated like a hero and at last I finally felt like one. Free at last, free at last, thank the lord I'm free at last.

That night over three years ago was the last time that I ever spoke to the sea beast. She emailed dozens of time and I deleted them. She wrote letter after letter to my house and my Mother threw them away for me. I blocked her number from calling me and to this day, I still see that Ford Explorer parked around town when I come back for a school break.

Now, four years later I have learned a valuable lesson about women and hopefully led at least one of you to see the same lesson for yourselves. A good portion of the women in the world are like this so DON'T waste your time chasing a girl who you think things may never work out with. If things don't pick up right away romantically, there's a very good chance they never will so don't waste a year of your youth chasing something not meant to be. While I may have come off as a very pathetic fellow in this series of tales, I think we have all been there at some point and there is a valuable life lesson to be learned from the experience. I carry this lesson with me now and if a girl acts a fool consistently, I simply write it off as another file for the reject bucket and move on with my life.

As for the seabeast, from what I hear she has put on thirty pounds, has no friends and has completely lost her mind for the most part. Personally speaking, I couldn't be happier. And so our story ends, and so does our time together. Thank you for reading, it was appreciated.

The End